When you’re a kid you always think the adults have it all together, they know what to do and how to get what they want. At least that’s what I always thought when I looked around at the adults I knew.

They had great jobs, loving family and time to do the things they enjoyed.

In my young adult life I started to worry, (probably the start of my anxiety issues, but that’s another days confession)

I worried I’d never figure out what I wanted to do for a living, where I wanted to live and when would I finally meet Mr. Charming and be swept off my feet.

…By the way Mr. Charming didn’t come into my life until I was 27! This may not seem all that old of an age to meet your husband, but in small town Alberta so many of my friends either married their high school sweethearts or met their spouse in college and were married by 25. I felt like I was being left behind and I’d never find my person. I got so frustrated with myself and embarrassed, thinking that there must be something wrong with me.

Anyway… it felt like forever at the time.

When I graduated high school I still had no idea what I was interested in doing for a career so I did what any small town farm girl would do… Moved to the big city lights and took… ART SCHOOL!

Don’t get me wrong I loved art school and am still very creative and enjoy crafting more than any other activity I do with my kids, but I just wasn’t cut out to do art as a career. I loved being creative but had a hard time confining my art to someone else’s likes and dislikes. Being confined took the joy out for me. So I did the next thing I could think of…

I started my journey as a receptionist for a local pork organization. This job, believe it or not, was a great starting place for the jobs that followed in the administrative field.

Yes I went through a few different career choice before finding my place in the world; Becoming a Farm Wife and Mom!

When I was around the age of 16, I remember saying to a good friends Dad, who was from a small town population 400,“When I grow up I’m never going to marry a farmer and I will not be living in a small town!” I was living on a farm in a small town and thought getting out was the be all, end all! It had to be enjoyable to move somewhere, where everyone didn’t know your name and every move you made right!?

 All I knew about what I wanted in my future were those words, I couldn’t figure out the rest of my plan but those words I knew to be true! Living in the city and having access to all the stores, restaurants and entertainment options had to be amazing!

Once I moved to the city I thought ok, step 1 done, then I lived there for about 2 years and eventually called home crying that I was so sick of not being able to see the stars at night, not having familiar faces saying hi to me daily, it felt LONELY!  Plus all those amazing stores, restaurants and entertainment, ya well they cost a lot of money and on my minimum wage paycheck I couldn’t’ afford anything but food, fuel and rent!

Oh NO, I failed my step 1, I wanted out!

Fast forward a few years and I met the love of my life, got married had 5 pregnancies and have 2 amazing kids. Yes, you read that right, we had some losses and the grief still gets to me. I’ll post on that in the future confessions as well.  As the years go on and the kids are starting to be in school more I’m at the same confusing place I was at, at age 18.

“Who am I” and “what am I going to do with myself now that the kids don’t need me full time?”

I listened to people talk about how journaling helped them in so many ways of finding happiness and soul searching yada yada… I thought what do I have to lose?

I jumped on to my phone and ordered up this journal from Amazon. I picked a journal that asked me questions because I wasn’t sure what I’d want to write about.

Well page 2: “Write down 10 big dreams that haven’t come true yet”. Oh my word, I couldn’t even list 3 because I never really had dreams for myself! This left me feeling sad and discouraged. How could I have never given enough thought to myself about my wants and needs? Was I just going through the motions of life and not really living? Why didn’t I have goals and aspirations for myself? Welp, I need help!

I put the book down, never to open it again. Well that’s not true because now I’ve decided that it’s time to figure out my crap and learn who I am!  No more mindlessly going through life. I’m a go getter and it’s time for me to learn what makes me passionate aside from being a wife and mom!

By the way, Mr. Charming and I have a wonderful life together and I love my life here, in that same small town of 400 people and I am a proud Farm Wife! It’s true Never Say Never!

Did you feel lost trying to figure what was next after high school or any post secondary schooling? Did you have to rediscover yourself after having kids? comment below and let me know if you’ve shared any of these feelings!