The time has come and as promised, I’m going to do my best to give you what I believe is my back story. The story that might give you more insight to why I became a blogger, how I realized I had an anxiety disorder and the crazy trips my brain can take me on haha.

I can remember from a young age going to the doctors office with stomach aches and not knowing what was causing them. My doctor asked if I was worried about anything, at the time I couldn’t think of any cause of worry but they never could find anything wrong with me. Looking back now I’m sure it was caused from worrying even though I didn’t understand it myself as I was much too young. 

This eventually passed and I forgot it was ever an issue. 

In my earlier posts I’ve mentioned that in my early adult life I felt the start of my anxiety – this was what I’d consider a normal amount of anxiety. It would come I could think through it logically and it would pass. I’m sure most people have these feelings of overwhelm and anxiety from time to time, as life throws curve balls to everyone – no one can escape this and have a completely perfect life!

Shortly after my husband and I got married we were ecstatic to find out we were expecting with our first baby. We made it through the first trimester and were able to finally announce to our family and friends our exciting news. The week after we shared our news I had an ultrasound that showed we’d lost the pregnancy.  I was devastated, I’ll spare you the gory details but my body would not pass the baby on it’s own and it took two different procedures to finally expel the pregnancy and I thought I was going to die. So while dealing with the physical and emotional pain of this loss, we still had well meaning community members congratulating us on our no longer existing pregnancy.  I tried to avoid people as much as possible to spare them the look of sympathy and hurt their face showed when we had to say “thanks, but we had a miscarriage”. 

It took us 9 months to be able to conceive again. I think there was too much stress on my body from the first loss that it just wouldn’t regulate and accept another pregnancy. These 9 months felt like forever when all you want is to have a baby. Also feeling left behind as most of our friends had already started their families a few years before. I know it’s not a race it’s just nice to be in the same place, so to speak as your friends are. I’ve since learned it didn’t matter and you get the chance to meet so many other wonderful friends. 

On our second pregnancy I was such a wreck worrying I’d lose this one too. My hubby kept a positive outlook thinking, “what are the chances it would happen again”. Hate to burst his bubble but it did. It was heartbreaking and I fell into a bit of a depression.  I felt so sad for myself and my husband (who was so caring and thoughtful through it all), I knew however, that it broke his heart too and I couldn’t help feeling terrible that I’d done that to him. Even though I had no control over it, I still felt guilt. Maybe I’d worried to much I caused the loss, maybe I did too much and should’ve rested more etc. 

After the second loss, I was referred to a specialist in the city to help see why I was having troubles carrying a pregnancy. This specialist determined I had endometriosis. She did a procedure and I was able to get pregnant once again right away. 

What are the odds we’d have a third miscarriage? Well I wanted to believe this time it would all work out I told myself not to get excited, as it broke my heart so bad each time before.  As much as I told myself to not get excited, truthfully the moment you see a positive pregnancy test your heart is in it! It all seemed to be going well, I felt good, went for my ultrasound and again found out we had indeed lost this baby too. 

I was beyond devastated, doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt…

Let me explain something now, I grew up on a cattle ranch, when someone got pregnant we’d tease and say when is she going to calve?; what was the heifers/bull calves birth weight? Everything related to a rancher mentality in one way or another.  Well my head happened to still go to the ranch mentality. What happens when a cow doesn’t catch or reproduce – we ship them. Was I going to be dispensable? Maybe that’s what would be best for my wonderful husband who wanted a family so very badly, even though he assured me it didn’t matter. He joked we could retire early if we don’t have kids lol. He was always very supportive and it was all my own thoughts nothing ever from him or anything he ever said. However, it was still in my head, we ship the old cow who doesn’t do what she’s been put on earth to do. 

Hello my friend/enemy Anxiety! I worried and had anxious thoughts all the time that I’d lose my wonderful husband and the life we had together. 

It took a long time but we finally got into a fertility clinic and underwent the full Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) procedure.  Talk about still feel like a ranch cow – now I was being AI’d.  I prayed hard, I meditated, I did everything I could think of for it to work. By the grace of God it did. I stressed and worried the whole pregnancy and held off decorating the nursery or buying anything for the baby out of fear I’d jinx it.  

Hope after miscarriage…

We were blessed 3 weeks early from the due date with a healthy and perfect baby girl! It was all worth it.  7 months later we thought maybe we should start the fertility process again as it takes quite a while and we hoped to have at least one more child. We found out we were already expecting and I again worried since I’d conceived naturally that I’d lose it.  My body carried this pregnancy to term and we were blessed with a health baby boy! 

I wish I could say I had enjoyed my pregnancies because I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t have morning sickness or feel awful at all. I did however worry and have so much anxiety that I just wished for the time to pass instead of enjoying the lovely baby kicks and growing baby bumps. 

Shortly after my son was born I was diagnosed with Wolff-Parkinson-White (WPW) syndrome. This is a condition I was familiar with as my Dad had it as well. He however had it controlled my taking a beta blocker pill everyday. For me being as young as I was they felt a surgical procedure would be best. 

Having a heart condition even though it could be taken care of with a procedure increased my anxiety yet again. I constantly worried that my heart would fail me and I’d leave my husband and two young kids without a wife and mother. 

I often worry about my health – as soon as I have a headache is it a brain tumour, should I check my blood pressure, that ache in my arm I better get it checked incase it cancer. Why, Why, Why do I always go to the ‘worst case’ scenario? As my doctor pointed out, there are many causes for all kinds of ailments. Saying, this however, I most likely go worst case because history has proven that I usually am the exception lol. He also said, thankfully I am one who stays on top of my health and should something serious arise, we should catch it early. A little peace of mind there!

August 27, 2019. This date is a pivotal moment, for me and my family. My Dad, my first hero and my superman died, suddenly and unexpectedly. He was in good health, had just had his annual ECG for his heart condition and his annual checkup. He was good! 

He went to bed and never woke up. 

I’m not sure how you can ever say good bye to someone for ever, but I grieve the fact that I wasn’t able to have the opportunity to do so.  We never saw it coming, this woke my anxiety in a huge way.

I take after my Dad is so many ways. He was a worrier too, my heart condition – thanks to him, my stubbornness, short fuse, and many other things – not all so good haha. 

I became obsessed with my health, chest pains started, stomach issues, bowel issues, sleep problems, irritability and anger. 

Top this all off with a pandemic and we’ve got disaster written all over it. I started talking with a councillor, who assured me that she too felt my Dads sudden passing triggered my anxiety to spiral out of control.  She helped me with some coping techniques, it just didn’t seem to be enough. I spoke to my doctor and was prescribed some pills to help take the edge off. I’m am so thankful for these low dose pills that make me feel so much better and allow me to still be me. My fear with using a medicinal treatment would be that I would feel numb or not be able to be a proper mother. That isn’t the case at all and feeling so much less anxious has improved my ability to be a fun mom and wife tremendously. 

I’ll confess I used to let anxiety define me, but what I have learned about myself now is – I’m a constant work in progress, but knock me down and I will get back up. I do not want my anxiety to define me but it is a part of me and I’m learning everyday how to cope with it and in time will be able to do so without the meds. Writing this blog helps me to unload my thoughts, worries and fears. It helps me to look forward not back and to continue to strive for things I want in my life. It holds me accountable to go after those goals.

If you made it to the end of this very long post, thank you for reading and being a part of my journey! 

Does anxiety ever control you? If it does, what are your coping techniques? Do you know someone who struggles and needs your support?